Do you hear it?
Hear it in the rythym and the order as I leave it,
Hear it in the way I erase words,
or delete them,
Hear it in the things that I don't say
Do you hear it?
If not, then we're through.
When you cut me.
When you hurt me.
I know its not on purpose.
I know you love me.
Im sorry
Cause I know that I could never
I can't
I don't know how
To force love
I force it
Through my very essence
Through my eyes
Through my pores and every orfice.
Its all I can do.
Its all I can do but to try to prove
A lie
To prove a lie
Makes me disgusting
Makes me contorted
Twisted
Diluted with every lie
But Lies are bad
And how could something that makes someone so happy
Be a lie?
It can't.
So I promise, I
He looks at you and knows
What tears at your shattered heart
But doesnt say a word.
He never says a fucking word.
The more attention that you show
The further he does go.
The more you act lik you don't care
Closer - its like he's everywhere.
Its that part of your heart
Like a knife,
that stabs you through the dark
Like lips that whisper
Like a thousand hearts
Of mine they are all broken.
When I lived there, though nothing was ever perfect,
Things were usually happy.
I used to have a daddy, see, my dad
He said he loved me
I was his baby girl.
I mattered.
I love Calgary.
It reminds me of happy things.
I want to go back someday,
Because maybe there I will be happy again.
I have a 'father'.
I lives in my house.
We go by his rules.
My Nanny is his mom.
My Auntie is his sister.
But he is not my dad.
He hasn't been for a long time;
I can't remember the last time he said
"I love you,"
And I felt like he meant it.
Because I know he doesn't.
I know he did mean it though when he said
"I wish you'd never been born,
and would just go live at the farm with your mother."
"Shut the fuck up."
"Your opinion doesn't matter"
I know he meant those.
Because it doesn't matter what I say
How I feel
How what he does affects the family.
All that matters is him.
Fear owns my life
Anger owns my soul
And hate penetrates my open heart.
My friend,
More like a brother than a friend, really-
His father died.
He said to me,
"He was supposed to be there-
When I graduate, when I get married,
Meet my kids....And now he never will."
I do not want my father to die.
I just want him out of my life.
I would go live with my Nanny, but
A) I do not think she would want to cause
That kind of animosity between her and her son.
B)I do not think I would like to leave my mom and
My brothers and sisters, to deal with him alone.
I wish I could tell him this.
I could say it, but I mean tell him
So that he would hear me,
And understand.
I wonder if ten years from today
You'll be at our reunion and say
Hey wait
How did things end up this way?
We missed out but we were so close
Just yesterday,
Only yesterday.
So your here with her now,
Still I'm here with him now,
I look at you and don't want
I don't want to cry
Not anymore
Not anymore!
Don't ask why
You always made
The cutest pair
Others would always walk and stare
And him and I always made
The sweetest couple
Double the crazy
Doubled up trouble
I remember that one look
That one face
Sorry for nothing
Anyway
You did nothing wrong
But then why am I here now just
Singing along?
And did you never stop to wonder
As time passed by
What it would be like
If you gave me the time
Did you never spend one
Sleepless night
Wondering why?!
Who said life has to be this way
This way it must stay
Who said Life has to be this way
Forever life willstay
Goodbye
Sorry for nothing at all
If you don't love me,
Leave me
Say that you never want to see me.
Daddy dear
Think hard and long
About what makes you weak
And makes us strong
You love us not when we fear your hand
But we love you even tho your mad.
You storm you rage
We wait- we pay.
But when u leave, we stay.
Seperates me and my fall
I can't see it
But i know it must be there.
I don't trust it
I'm too scared.
I feel like a caged bird
Who's door to freedom is open
But the birds to scared to leave.
Suspicious, it watches the doorway.
It hops to the exit.
It teeters on the edge -
And then goes back to its perch.
Back inside the cage - afraid.
I, unsteady, take a step forward,
But stumble back, overcome by fear.
I watch others go about there buisness
Maybe I imagine it, but they avert there eyes.
I am not to be pitied.
I should be thrown out of society on the charge
That I am unlovable
Unable to love.
Never surrender
I wont ever surrender
Hold your heart in your own hands
Your blood is left stains
Where it lands
Hold your love in your own hands
Or give it to someone else,
Else!
Im too tired and i can't stand
So pool your blood in anothers hands
Take your gun now
From my head
Fall down hurt with things unsaid
Are more expendable
Than you are.
You would not let me be blind -
You guide me in the right direction
And tell it how it is.
Had I no legs -
You would carry me to where I need to go
You already carry me away from those who wish me harm.
Had I no arms-
You would hug me tighter to make up for it.
You already do.
You are my best friends
And I would do the same for you.
Im sorry
I could say it for ever and ever
I never want to make you hurt
And for it I bleed-
My insides churn and tear and burn
With the knowing that you don't care
You don't care
You don't care
Enough to pay attention
Enough to see me reach out
Enough to see my churning emotions...
Enough to see me reach to you.
And when my heart breaks
My emotions tumult in an overwhelming
Crash of ocean tide on my mind
An overbearing weight on my soul,
And I cry out for you,
And you hug me like an estranged friend
Quick, awkward, hurried,
Whats wrong?
And I bleed inside, my lungs stop breathing
My heart stops beating, just for a second,
And I clench my jaw in a strangled attempt at control.
Nothing. I'm fine. Sorry.
And my shoulders quake with greif
And you glance at me, faint traces of polite concern on your angels face,
And you turn your back on me.
Like faith,
My angel turns his back on me.
- Mood:
restless - Music:Never Say Never
Today I feel burning
Fire and I'm yearning
To bury the coals under earth
And feel whole again
I don't want to hurt
Every single word
Everything you do
Makes me bleed
With unanticipated greif
That leads to endless need
I need to be soothed and my soul
Has been burning for so long
Lately its felt so wrong
I don't know what im looking for
But its not you
And its not this
Its not anything that hurts
So endless...So, loveless...
So hurtless and needless and end thiss...
- Mood: miserable
When you die
I'll leave a last letter in your grave
I love you -
But in life you'll never know
I hope the dead can read
I hope then you'll be old and grown
And full and happy
And then you can know -
Then you can know.
I'll tell you how much you mean to me
My last letter sent to your tomb
To rest with you
So my heart can rest too.
So I will have told you
At least.
Even if it was a bit late.
- Mood: miserable
Cause you ask me to
I fall apart
its all i can do
I fall apart
Without a second thought
Cause if you need me
I'll be
Anything for you
Broken glass
On the floor
Shattered peices at your door
Pick me up
And throw me out
Throw me out
I fall apart
Cause you make me
I fall apart
I don't have anything better
To do
Than be
Everything to you
I fall apart cause you ask me to
I fall apart
Its all I can do
I fall apart right into your arms
Right into your arms
- Mood:
thou
It's sad to think you'll never be mine, it's even sadder to realize I knew it all the time.
And when you begin to miss me, dont forget it was you who let me go.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it sure makes the rest of you lonely. -- Charlie Brown
How can you hide from what never goes away?
Sometimes the one love you cant get over, is the one love you really never had.
I wonder I wait
I cry and debate
I hurt and medicate
But its okay
Its okay
Would you hold me
While I died?
Would you love me
While I cried
I was scared
To fall
I was afraid
I might not get up again
I was terrified
To let go
What if you didn't catch me?
You know
I met not get up again
You always were my friend
Shaking faith over endless days
Im not as stable as I wish I were
Do you think about me where you are?
I feel detatched - you're much too far.
Where is the steadfast assurance I felt
Before you were gone?
It dissapated within hours
I feel distorted, and wrong.
I feel feverish and want to sleep but cant
How do I wait when the days pass in a daze
A slow, unbreathable, thick, haze?
You think i'm being irrational, insane,
But am I?
I'm thick with worries, and fears,
"What if she got prettier?"
"I'll try," indeed.
You fly up,
I’ll fall down,
I’ll watch you as you don your crown.
You’re king of the world, of mine at least,
I’ll watch you lie down your sword and then tame the beast
As hard as it is you have to know
I’ll smile and shake your hand,
After you slip on your wedding band
I’ll cry at your wedding and wish your wife well
And I’ll leave in tears
Oh well, Oh well
When we leave our happy place
To greet the world,
You’ll greet it will grace,
And I’ll trip, and skin my knee,
And you’ll pick me up and set me on my feet
I watch you as you walk away
Destined to follow your path, you rarely stray
I can’t follow any beaten path,
I walk into walls and cruelty’s wrath
I’ll put up my hair and wipe away my own tears
I meet up with you again, and it’s been years
You’ll hug me tight, and be the only one
Who ever told me I don’t have to run
It’s all right, it’s all right
You’ll introduce me to your newest girl
And she’s the center of your world
Oh, ooh oh -oh, oh- oh
I’ve always loved you I always will
Even if the world stood still or
Broke in half and drifted apart
You’d still be my whole heart
And when you die
I’ll stand next to your wife
And tell her it’ll be alright
I’ll tell her you wouldn’t want her to cry
And then I’ll go back home and wait to die
For as long as forever lasts
When we were little kids you held my hand
You told me it’d be alright
But you were always the only one who kept me standing up,
Tonight
- Mood: sad
What does that mean?
Note to edit and later ponder.
Samm out.
- Mood:
amused
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